Calling Drunken Nerds

Kite and Key on 19th and Callowhill is celebrating science week in
collaboration with the Franklin Institute tonight. Come watch as Yards
unveils their new beer, made with science, and it's new name -- voted
on by fellow drinkers!
You can feel better about your drinking habits if you're supporting science.

El Bar

Located directlty under the El (go figure) in Fishtown, the El Bar will get ya feeling good for next to nothing. On most nights it’s pretty relaxed and not crowded, giving you room to play some pool, or shoot some old pinball, but on weekends the place can get too packed for comfort. You can usually judge the place by how many bikes you see piled on top of every pole and fence around the area.

The cheapest way to get your fill in the El Bar comes from their own adaption of the city wide special, replacing the 12oz PBR with a tall boy for the same price, score. Yes, those 4 oz do make a damn difference.

If you get drunk enough here, you may even be able to catch and pet one of the two cats that inhabit the bar, who knows.

Kung Fu Necktie

Shelf of Shame? Yea, as if you had any dignity anyway. Kung Fu Neck Tie in Fishtown is a little hole in the wall on Front St with a pretty decent selection of beer on tap. The cheap beers (PBR and such) are designated to the shelf of shame on the wall. Don't let it discourage you though, for two bucks, most people there end up reaching for the shelf as well.
Best part about the place, is most nights there's live music, and not shitty cover bands. Alot of nights it's free too. Aside from the stage, when the bands aren't using it as a merch table, there is a pretty nice pool table in the center of the bar.

Tiger Beats

Like every other Monday night, Tiger Beats is being held at the Barbary tonight, right off Girard by 2^nd. If you’ve never been, it’s kind of an odd atmosphere. It’s the same basic people that frequent dive bars, only this time, they took lots of speed.

Starting at 9 the doors open to give out free PBR, which is sweet. The best part is, no one shows up until later so there’s plenty of time to pound some free cold ones. With any hopes this will make you drunk enough for what is about to happen. People on E, dressed up in Gaga-esque clothing dancing to awful dance remixes of shitty pop songs. If you this doesn’t sounds appealing to you, just leave, at least you drank their free beer.

El Bar Open Mic

Wednesday nights at the El Bar mean free open mic night. Philly wide
special is intact (PBR pounder and a shot of bourbon). Come check out
Louis Middleton this Wednesday!

Doobies

Doobies on 22^nd and Lombard has to be one of the most friendly, relaxed, bars in the city. It’s only fair that it falls into the dive category simply for the un-“barness” of the place. There is a dog that lives in the bar and nothing that goes on there is close to typical.

At any given time you can enter the place and see patrons watching game shows or various 80’s flicks without yelling to speak to each other. Hell, you can even play board games here if you want. This place is hardly a bar, more like your buddies basement.

The food here is pretty pricey but it’s pretty big portions, still probably not worth it. But in Doobies typical fashion of doing things a little different, they have replaced the PBR in the city wide special with a delicious Sly Fox for a couple bucks more.

Dirty Frank's

Dirty Frank’s is exactly what you’d expect from a place called Dirty Frank’s. The main draw of the hole in the wall on 13^th and Pine is the sheer amusement of being inside. It’s filthy, the bartender’s aren’t polite, and that’s part of it’s charm. If you want to go somewhere and hangout alone, this is a perfectly acceptable place where people will leave you alone – no one really cares. In fact, since no food is served in the place, they don’t even care if you call out for your own (try Gay Pizza on 13^th and Locust).

The wall decorations are a good for a laugh, falling somewhere between a 5 year old’s birthday party and a winter dance, with is beaten piñatas and stained yellow snowflakes. It’s a perfect setting to take down their “kamakazie special”—a shot of god knows what ethanol tasting alcohol and a pony beer for $2.50, not a bad gig.

McGillin's Ale House

The beauty of McGillins is, it’s not actually a dive bar, but it still in fact has dive prices. The standard price of a pitcher is $6.50, dirt cheap, especially off of 13^th and Chestnut.

Monday and Tuesday are the nights to be here. Monday is half off pizza which gives you a medium pie for 3 bucks. Tuesday brings 35 cent wings and $5 pitchers of Yuengling, Miller or PBR, of course.

Watch to avoid the dinner rush, the place gets packed with suit and ties. The prime real estate begins around 9 to get yourself a table and avoid standing up, because standing here is awkward and it makes you look like a douche.

Mako's

2^nd and South holds home to a retired surf bar called Mako’s. Complete with a shark coming out of the wall downstairs and outdoor seating, it’s like a beach shack placed in touristy Philly. Oddly enough, the scummy face of the bar tends to keep the out-of-towners out, thankfully.

Dollar Highlife bottles and PBR’s from 6-12, along with $1.49 well drinks. Luckily, when ordering liquor, the rather well-endowed barmaids, tend to not pour lightly. The food at the place is overpriced and pretty shitty, but Lorenzo’s is directly next door so who the hell wants a 9 dollar burger anyway. Grab a giant 2 dollar slice and get your ass back to the bar.

When the special ends, grab yourself a $8 six pack to go and take one of the weird goth girls slumming in the bar stools with you.

Tattooed Moms

If you’ve been to Sugar Mom’s, you’ve probably heard of it’s more famous sister bar, Tattooed Moms, that sits on 4^th and South. The front of it looks like an old carnival game, kind of like the one Tom Hanks played in BIG.

Hell, if you wanna get big too, just come and check out their fatty favorites. Much like Sugar Moms, they offer up deep fried tater tots smothered in cheese, and on Wednesdays they too have 50 cent pirogues. $1.50 PBR Pounders Friday and Saturday as well.

The main thing that separates the two bars is that the downstairs in TM’s tends to be filled with an older crowd and the table’s look somewhat respectable. Upstairs though, graffiti on anything you’d like – it’s encouraged—and take on a few rounds of pool. For the smokers, you can head to the very back and enter a room where you and your friends can hang out and never see each other.

Sugar Moms

Graffiti Walls, old bumper cars, and broken pinball machines make up the foundation of the only decent (and affordable) bar in Old City. Sugar Mom’s is a dive located in an alley off of 3^rd and market and not visible from the street.

In the grungy basement you get to lose complete track of time (and half the time any service on your cellphone) while you slug down PBR pounders. I’m pretty sure they have respectable beers on draft, but at $1.50 pounders every Friday and Saturday night, I’ve never actually seen anyone order them.

Wednesday nights can be especially promising here, even though the pounders are $2.50, they have 50 cent pirogues – yes pirogues. If you don’t get down with your European brothers, opt for the cheesy tater tots, they’re pretty delicious.

The Cantina

The Cantina

The Cantina, at 12th and Morris is South Philly’s on Mexican haven falling under the term dive during their happy hour. It generally fills up with a mix of bike-punks and college girls, because after all, who can turn down half-off pitchers?

When I say pitchers, I don’t mean beer, I mean margaritas – strong ass margaritas. At 11 bucks for roughly 4 margaritas, you really can’t beat the deal. At the strength they come, one pitcher is enough to get two average adults pretty damn drunk.

If for some reason you wanna waste your money and buy food, the nachos are huge. But in all reality they bring you free chips and salsa the entire time, just for sitting down. Save the money and buy another pitcher!

After 7, good luck. I’d say get your ass to a place you can actually afford.

The Republican

Can’t afford a strip club? Me neither. But I bet you can afford one of the most disgusting places you will ever find yourself. The Republican, a completely off the radar (and I’m pretty sure illegal) after hours bar doubles as a watering hole and a venue for many other holes.

My only suggestion is to go here extremely drunk and lacking any morals you once held. After hour strip clubs are after hours for a reason. The beers are 5 bucks so I doubt you can afford more than one, or that you would even want to stay for more than one, but it is something to do after the other bars kick you out.

*Rumor has it, the bedrooms upstairs (yes, this place is also a house) double as a brothel, but for everyone’s safety it should probably be steered clear of.

Sidecar

Sidecar is a little gem on 22^nd and Catherine, right on the verge of South Philly. It’s never crowded and the staff is oddly friendly. It’s a little pricier than your standard dive, but on the right night, it’ll fix ya up something sweet.

Monday nights brings out the $3 IPA’s, and at 9% it’s basically like drinking two beers anyway.  It’s a good place to take a date and trick her into thinking you’re somewhat respectable. The beauty about this place is the fact that you can hear each other speak. It’s mostly is lit by tall church candles on the table that could kind of seem romantic if it wasn’t for the sheer irony. Try out the nachos, they’re pretty good and enough to feed a family, or you and your broke friends.

Bob and Barbara’s

What is there possibly better to do on a Thursday Night than trek down South St, and head first into Philly’s fantastic LBGT community? Thursday at Bob and Barbara’s is Tranny Night!

So you’re straight? No worries, so is half of the attendees. Come on out and join your brothers? and revel in B&B’s utter distaste for everything not PBR. Yes it does have a 5 dollar cover which hurts the wallet, but it’s worth it. Plus it’s only 3 bucks for a PBR and a shot of whiskey.

*Take your unsuspecting friend there on his birthday and they will force him on stage for a dance. While you get to laugh in his embaressment, he leaves with a free t-shirt and a beer- a win- win.